Bonus! VPR Major Arcana

The final reunion of Vanderpump Rules Season 11 airs tonight, and I will then commence a period of intense mourning until the show returns. In honor of VPR's final episode of season 11, I hope you'll join me on this extremely niche journey.

If you're not a VPR fan, feel free to check out now (I mean, you shouldn't, this is going to be super fun, but you decide how to spend your one wild and precious life). I tried a version of this where I give you all the context and nitty-gritty details, but that's an encyclopedia-length tome. The mythology of this sweeping modern epic is eleven seasons deep, and you have to start at the beginning. If you're a lover of VPR, someone who is looking to be enticed, or just someone who enjoys fun, please join me as we take a walk through the Major Arcana, Vanderpump Style. And if you're a visual artist and you want to collaborate on a full Vanderpump Tarot deck, hit me up in the comments (I am serious about this).

The Fool - Jo My Gosh

Eleven seasons into VPR, a post-divorce Tom Schwartz is living with his "roommate," "friend," alleged pathological liar, and improv-magician's-assistant-coded hairdresser, Jo, a girl who almost exclusively makes robot noises, and who does not deserve any of the horrors that are about to befall her.

Like The Fool, Jo is wide-eyed and naive, one of those girls in a baseball cap who knows how to hang (a real guy's girl, unfortunately for her). Jo leaps headfirst into a situationship with one of the most classically unavailable men in Los Angeles, Tom Schwartz.

Tom Schwartz is so unavailable he somehow wound up married to a woman he's never liked, a woman he once poured a drink on.

Jo has her haters, which in spite of her possible (definite) knowledge of Sandoval and Rachel's affair, still feels like bullying a baby deer. Jo is at the beginning of her reality TV journey, still in a place where she thinks she and Tom Schwartz might end up together (and she's willing to say so on camera - and on instagram lives - repeatedly) right after he's done taking a quick detour to date a 23 year old.

Oh Jo, you're too innocent for this world.

The Magician - Ms. Scheana Shay

Scheana Shay is a hustler, a pop star, a self-admitted non-singer who has released and rereleased multiple songs. Shay is not her maiden name, nor is it her husband's name. Nay! Shay is the last name of her first husband, a man who crumbled to dust eating dinosaur chicken nuggets many seasons ago. Mike Shay, who seemed like a nice guy and who never should have been on TV, turned out to be an addict which was hard to watch on a show where everybody's always a little bit drunk. They got divorced, but Scheana kept his alliterative last name through multiple boyfriends, and a new husband. Now if that's not making something from nothing, I don't know what is!

I love Scheana. I love her commitment to gold, I love her daughter Summer Moon (and yes, I've seen all the TikToks about Winter Skye, I know I know I know, and I'd still kill for Scheana), I loved her when her apartment was decorated entirely with her own wedding photography.

When I first met my husband, we were working together on a TV show. He and a fellow writer were making fun of each other's shoes as a bit. Without irony, I put my feet up in the air and squealed, "MAKE FUN OF MY SHOES!" That was extremely Scheana-coded behavior. Scheana can't help but try to get in the mix, and while some naysayers online will say she likes to make everything about her, I know that she's trying to be supportive!

She knows when the scene isn't about her! She just wants to make sure that you know that she knows that.

Scheana somehow made a quote from Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous into her personal catchphrase.

When her cast mates were selling merch in the wake of Scandoval, Scheana sold sweatshirts that said, "It really is all happening."

The Magician is all about having everything already in your possession to make magic happen. When Scheana's (former?) best friend, Ariana, was cheated on by her partner of ten years, Tom Sandoval, Scheana experienced this betrayal as life and bank account altering. She took those lemons and made goddamn lemonade and why shouldn't she? From Chili's ads and podcasts to remastering her classic pop tune "Good as Gold," and then recording a new diss track about Scandoval that rhymed "Jetta" with "betta," Scheana saw a media landscape in need of content and she goddamned delivered.

The High Priestess - Kristen Doute, Queen of Darkness

Now, listen, when I tell you that our VPR High Priestess is one Ms. Kristen Doute, there are bound to be some haters.

After all, the High Priestess is all about intuition, and Doute is not exactly self aware. However, in the Vanderverse, Kristen has proven time and again that she is intuitively gifted when it comes to reality television.

Kristen understands something that few others do: as a reality star, your business is mess. It is your job to look for weakness, to search out gossip, to hunt down chaos and bring it screaming into the light.

This intuitive queen knows how to stir the pot.

Kristen is like a truffle pig for drama, and once she roots it out she'll nudge it down a kind of Rube Goldberg device of her making, through the friend group bouncing off each person and leaving chaos in its wake. Then she'll turn around and call herself the Peacemaker and an Empath.

She's not in touch with her personal intuition, but she's got her finger on the PULSE of DRAMA. This woman is pure reality TV gold and the rest of these fools need to be TAKING NOTES.

The Empress - Lala Kent's new softness

A newly pregnant Lala Kent is our Empress. Lala has undergone a major transformation in the course of her journey on Vanderpump Rules. She began as a wild woman who led with her sexuality and wasn't afraid to use it to her advantage. She frequently fought with the other women because she loved to take her top off, and she did not care if someone else's boyfriend was there to witness it (for the record, if your boyfriend can't look at a nice set of boobies without cheating on you, that relationship is cursed, sorry not sorry). She would drink, she would fight. She was messy, she was "rill."

Like The Empress, Lala has always had a stunning amount of confidence and pride in her body.

In early seasons, Lala is seen drinking milk from a "baba" on vacation with friends. So clearly she's in touch with her inner child.

Lala ended her relationship with her daughter's father, because he turned out to be a fucked-up, less powerful Harvey Weinstein (this was no surprise to anyone but her, unfortunately). Recently, Lala announced that she's pregnant via sperm donor, and honestly, I think there's nothing more Empress-coded than a woman with a daughter named Ocean choosing to have a baby on her own.

I am stunned by the way some in the "comments section" (as Lala would put it), are coming down so hard on Lala and Scheana. Since the show started breaking the fourth wall, Lala continues to have the opinion that I most consistently agree with. When she tells Katie, "It's not my job to have my life make sense to you," I was like, YES MS. KENT. I get what people are saying about Lala and Scheana being jealous of Ariana's sudden superstardom, but honestly, would they be human if they didn't feel that way? I also think that Lala's frustration is less about being unhappy for Ariana, and more about the business of making a TV show. Ariana is the only person who could leave this show behind without financial consequences. It makes sense to me that the rest of the gang is frustrated when Ariana doesn't want to play ball (I also understand Ariana's position, don't come for me).

Also, the fans are trying their darnedest to ruin this show. Fellow VPR fans, please admit that this show is at it's best when people are behaving badly. Stop trying to shame these people into being boring!

The Emperor - Katie Maloney and her new haircut

Katie Maloney has gone from heterosexual hellscape to bisexual boundaried queen. This woman is serving stability, sandwiches, and honesty. She doesn't like liars, she doesn't like bullshit, she rides hard for her friends, and she's no longer taking any shit from man babies.

She left her scrub husband who once gave her a ring on a string, and then proposed to her in a restaurant on the Sunset Strip, to become a boss bitch sandwich shoppe maven. It's Katie's world, and we're just living in it.

In Season 11, Katie, after enduring years of unending bullshit from her now ex-husband, Schwartz, took matters into her own hands. She slept with his best friend (and former cast member, Max).

She told Schwartz he looked stupid in this outfit (because I'm sorry but look at this Elf-ass bitch).

Like The Emperor, Katie can be rigid in her beliefs. If she commits to an opinion, she's hard to shake.

But she always tells it like it is (to be fair, sometimes she is very, very mean).

She escaped a relationship that didn't serve her.

And now, look at Katie. She's thriving.

And the whole world knows it. Even the least self-aware man in history.

And that's that on that.

The Hierophant - Jax Taylor, Teacher, Spiritual Guide

The Hierophant is a teacher, a spiritual guide, and a representative of the rules and the system. Sure, Lisa Vanderpump, executive producer and restauranteur, has been guiding this group of starry-eyed ding-dongs (I say that with DEEP AFFECTION) since the show's inception, but there's no one better to be the gang's spiritual guide than the King of Chaos and Cocaine himself, Jax Taylor.

Jax understands the mechanics of great television, and he isn't afraid to sacrifice his reputation, relationships, decency, or soul to produce. He's a shit stirrer, a gossip, a cheater, and a hustler.

In the service of great television, Jax tells it like it is.

Jax is one of the greatest villains to ever exist on television. Need proof? Watch this incredible compilation of some of his most intricate lies:

He steals sunglasses for the thrill of it. He cheats and lies for funzies. He frequently gets out of jams by telling people he's too stupid to have done whatever he's being accused of. Recently he was accused of calling Lisa "superfluous," for example, a word that by his own admission he cannot spell or pronounce.

Under no circumstances should you marry this man (Brittany, I'm proud of you for getting out of there, and I hope you stay out of that marriage), but if you want to learn about how to be a reality tv star, there's no greater guide than Jax Taylor.

Congratulations to the GOAT.

The Lovers - The Toms

This television program is not about healthy romantic relationships. In fact, VPR is essentially a PSA about the dangers of heterosexuality. There is not a single romantic relationship depicted that isn't chockful of toxicity and destined to go up in flames (though I'm holding out hope for Brock and Scheana, and Beau and Stassi are good together but they left the show so it doesn't count). But let's be rill, people: no relationship on the show has stood the test of time longer than the cursed friendship of the Toms.

There's lots of talk on this show about being "ride or die." Loyalty tests and outrageous ultimatums are par for the course, but these two nincompoops somehow always manage to stay friends, even when one of them is trying to light their entire business on fire.

Tom Schwartz is the beta, a dingus who blew up his marriage by never standing up for his wife and taking every single person's side except for hers. Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval would yell and rage, belittle and denigrate Katie under the auspices of "standing up for Schwartz."

Schwartz, goober that he is, looked on all shrugged shoulders and puppy dog eyes.

He hides behind being the nice guy, but the truth is, there's a darkness in Schwartz.

When Tom Sandoval torched his ten year relationship with Ariana by carrying on a months-long affair with Rachel/Raquel Leviss, Schwartz stood by his side, apologizing on Tom's behalf (because Sandoval was incapable of apologizing for himself). In fact, the only person who got a real apology from Tom Sandoval was Tom Schwartz.

In Season 11, Schwartz continued to ride for Sandy, no matter how deep of a ditch Sandoval dug. When Sandoval asked Schwartz to move in with him and pay 11K a month in RENT, Schwartz considered it, which is mind-bogglingly dumb.

One of the great joys of VPR is watching two classic Los Angeles 40 year old Peter Pans take mushrooms and talk about the interior design of their new bar. If you're ever feeling down about your relationship or lack thereof, just remember, you're not in a relationship with either Tom, so you're doing great sweetie.

The Chariot - Tom and Tom's White Motorcycle and Side Car

The Chariot is about momentum and forward motion, about pushing past obstacles and being resilient. There's nothing more resilient than Tom and Tom spending all their money on matching suits and this motorcycle and sidecar to roll up to a restaurant that bears their name but that they only have a 5% stake in. The Toms are all about momentum. These guys don't live in the past (unless they are trying to defend themselves by bringing up something that happened like six hundred years ago). When you pull The Chariot in a reading, try to channel the energy of Tom Schwartz in this side car – you're not in control, so just go with the flow, dude.

Strength - JoJo Siwa carrying Tom Sandoval on her back

Jojo Siwa carrying the most hated man in America on her back is the encapsulation of Strength in the Vanderpump Rules universe, in spite of the fact that this did not take place on VPR. This moment came on a reality show competition that Sandoval participated in after Scandoval to rehabilitate his image. Did it work? No it didn't. Did I watch it? No I didn't. Have I watched this specific moment many times? Millions. When the going got tough, Sandoval only saw one set of footprints in the sand, and that's when Jojo Siwa was carrying him on her goddamned back.

The Hermit - Ken Todd

Lisa Vanderpump's husband, Ken Todd, is a wizened old man with many hairless sweater-clad dogs.

Occasionally, like The Hermit, he is trotted out of the wilderness with a lantern to deliver a scorching line of exposition before Lisa tucks him away again for the night.

One time, Zack and I were staying at one of my favorite hotels, the rat-pack fave, Two Bunch Palms, and I sat one foot away from Ken and Lisa wearing bathrobes and dining with Giggy the dog who was seated on his own chair atop a fluffy pillow. THAT'S THE MAGIC OF PALM SPRINGS BABY!

Wheel of Fortune - The Revolving Door of Relationships

The Wheel of Fortune reminds us that what comes up must come down, that life is cyclical, and karma's a bitch. The relationships in VPR perfectly depict the Wheel of Fortune.

When we began, the couples were as follows: Stassi and Jax, Katie and Schwartz, Kristen and Sandoval. Then Kristen and Jax cheated on their partners with one another, breaking up Stassi and Jax. Sandoval, meanwhile, cheated on Kristen with Ariana and then went on to date her for ten years. Kristen started dating a 21 year old busboy named James Kennedy. Then James and Kristen broke up and James and Lala hooked up a bit before (and during) James dating Raquel Leviss, who would later go on to have an affair with Tom Sandoval. Lala has also hooked up with Ariana (in the back seat of a car while Sandoval drove). This season we found out that Schwartz kissed Scheana at Coachella like eight years ago while he was dating Katie. Most of the women have hooked up with one season wonder, Max Boyens (Tom Schwartz's non-Sandoval BFF).

Once Tom Schwartz and Katie got divorced, they ended up dating the same woman at the same time.

It's always been stunning how incestuous this group is, but over time it has started to make more and more sense. There is no stranger existence than being on a reality show. Seasons 10 and 11 broke the fourth wall as Scandoval ROCKED THE NATION. Who else can these people trust but each other? I mean, they definitely cannot trust each other, but at least they have more in common with one another than they do with civilians.

It's giving Melrose Place, Dawson's Creek, Eyes Wide Shut. It's giving Wheel of Fortune.

Justice - Send it to Darryl and Scheana's Restraining Order

Season 10 of VPR was a litigious nightmare. There was Raquel's restraining order against Scheana, for an alleged punching when Scheana learned of the affair. Scheana immediately went full Sherlock Holmes with iron clad proof that she never could have committed the crime.

Raquel continued to sic lawyers on the group, and at one point, Lala delivered one of the merch lines of the summer, "Send it to Darryl."

Darryl is Lala's lawyer, a man who became internet famous when Lala started selling sweatshirts. Imagine being Darryl, just a lawyer out there lawyering, and suddenly BOOM, you're a catchphrase.

The Hanged Man - Tom Sandoval post Scandoval

The Hanged Man requires patience and suffering, which eventually leads to growth. Sandoval's growth remains to be seen, but he's definitely going through it. After spectacularly blowing his life up (and saving the show in the process), Sandoval suddenly found himself coping with a heel turn he never intended. Sure, he's said and done stupid shit in the past...

In fact, there had always been red flags...

... but he had long enjoyed the benefits of a cool girlfriend and a nice guy persona. Sandoval was the guy who would spend an insane amount of money and time on a gift (he organized and paid for James Kennedy's engagement to Raquel, who he later had an affair with), and he was always the dude who took being a groomsman way too seriously.

In Season 11, Tom Sandoval thought he was orchestrating a brilliant redemption arc for himself post-Scandoval (the finale ends with a Sandoval hot mic moment as chilling as the end of HBO's first season of The Jinx). Though Sandy's not as masterful as Jax Taylor, he understands what his job is on VPR. As a New York magazine profile post-Scandoval made clear, he's hyper aware of the cameras and how to craft a story. This is what makes Season 11 Sandoval the perfect Hanged Man. He wants to move on desperately.

But when you're in a Hanged Man moment, you're no longer in control of your own destiny. This is a moment to give in, to stop trying to control everything and be patient. I'm not saying that Sandoval did that. He didn't.

He really thought he'd get through this with yoga and scream therapy and "quitting drinking." He could have tried apologizing, but he's not there yet. Sandoval remains in a Hanged One moment. I wish him well on his journey. My suggestion would be to stop citing Ariana's inability to stock up on batteries as a reason for his seven months long affair, but WHAT DO I KNOW????

Remember, when you're in a Hanged One moment, this is a time to go inward, to exercise patience and self awareness, to quit struggling and understand that sometimes suffering leads to growth.

Death - Ariana Becomes an A List Celeb

Ariana Madix has always been an enigma on this show. Unlike the rest of the cast, she seemed pretty disinterested in reality TV or fame. She has long said that if she and Sandoval broke up, she'd quit the show and move out of LA. It felt like a normal person had somehow slipped into the show by mistake, and was allowed to stay because she was so pretty. Honestly, the only weird thing she did was date Sandoval, which always made me think that Tom must be playing up his antics for the camera – maybe he was much more down-to-earth and normal than we thought?

In the wake of Scandoval, Ariana has found her voice and her power. Sometimes this has been frustrating for viewers of the show (though apparently I'm in the minority? Most people seem to be riding hard for Ariana's boundaries).

From the POV of what makes sense for her mental health, I'm all for Ariana's boundaries around Sandoval. He put her through it and destroyed her ability to trust. She has every right to say, "Fuck you, I never want to see or speak with you again." At the same time: there's the show to think about. Ariana's assertion that anyone who spent time with Sandoval (as in filmed with him) would be dead to her made things difficult.

Over the years we've watched Ariana struggle. You know how shitty screenwriters will describe a woman as "beautiful but doesn't know it?" Weirdly, that's been a big part of Ariana's arc. In the decade we've known her she has said really horrible things about her objectively gorgeous body, and shown a level of self-loathing that makes me really sad. But in the last year, this woman has blossomed. She's sticking to her guns, doing what she wants, not apologizing for herself, and she seems to have a newfound self acceptance that we should all celebrate.

I think Ariana's over the show, and good for her. I think maybe it's time for her to spread her wings and fly. VPR is for hungrier people with blurrier boundaries, and Ariana has grown up.

Temperance - Lala's Sobriety

Lala Kent entered the scene as a SUR hostess in Season 4, though it's hard to remember the show without her. She quickly stunned with her antics. She loved to drink and take her top off, and honestly, if I had that body, I WOULD TOO. She was a fighter, and she bragged about taking private jets and getting Range Rovers from sugar daddies.

Five years ago, Lala did something that's unheard of on VPR... she got sober. It's hard to think of something that would be more difficult than getting sober while filming Vanderpump Rules. You know how New York City is a character in Sex and the City? Well, alcoholism is a character on VPR. But Lala persisted, and became the temperate queen she is today. This season, she threw a water tasting! (It was not the most exciting scene I've ever witnessed, to be fair, but Ariana and Tom had a screaming fight about dog murder and that helped).

This season, Lala listened, apologized, worked on herself, and showed grace to people she had formerly attacked. I know there's a split amongst some in the fandom who feel that she was jealous of Ariana or that she was hypocritical (lord knows Lala would have gone nuclear on anyone who hung out with her ex), but I think it's important to acknowledge how far this woman has come. I, for one, am proud of her.

The Devil - Stassi Schroeder and The Dark Passenger

Stassi is our Devil. This Queen of the Underworld ruled the Vanderverse with an iron fist for the first eight seasons. Even when she briefly left the show to move to New York for a very bad relationship in season 2, she loomed large over the gang. When she returned, people cowered. A young Stassi was obsessed with darkness, often referring to her "Dark Passenger" (this is a DEXTER reference, not an original idea) which was essentially the psychotic rage machine she became when she drank or when one of her friends dared to cross her (similar to Katie Maloney's alter ego "Tequila Katie," but somehow more terrifying).

Stassi's birthday was a national holiday in her mind, and it boiled her butt that Ariana was born on the same day. Every year, Stassi's parties would get more elaborate, and she would end the night every single year screaming at someone for having a thought or feeling that didn't directly relate to her birth.

This woman was pure reality TV gold, unafraid to embrace her Regina George Mean Girls realness, completely fine with calling herself the Queen of the Group, and asking for fealty from her minions.

She cut people off for minor infractions and made fun of Scheana for wanting to be included.

Watching her on TV was an acid flashback of the worst day of your high school experience. Stassi and Jax, the Number One Girl and Guy in the group, made an amazing villainous pair.

Stassi was fired from the show for some truly horrendous behavior, and though she was eventually asked to return, by that time she had created a life for herself that included a good guy and children. Stassi knew it was time to get out, and though I'm sure she was tempted, I've got to tip my hat to The Devil herself for knowing when to fold 'em.

The Tower - Scandoval

Which brings us to Scandoval... I wrote an entire post about this one. You can read that here.

The Star - DJ James "White Kanye" Kennedy

The Star is about hope, renewal, and that ineffable quality that makes you you. Our star is one Sir DJ James Kennedy, the self-proclaimed "White Kanye."

James conned his way onto the show by striking up a romantic relationship with Kristen Doute. He's admitted to dating her purely to get on the show, which is as gross as it is entrepreneurial! He proceeded to treat her like shit and call her old as often as he could.

She punched him in the face at a wedding, he spit on her door when he left her. They were two messy bitches who lived for drama.

Over the years, we've watched James struggle with alcohol. He's body shamed other cast members and been a drunken maniac many many times. He has mentioned that Boy George is his godfather at least seven hundred and two times. His mother once yelled on camera, "You took your first steps in a Tiffany's!" These aren't amazing qualities.

However! Slowly but surely (and perhaps through the magic of editing), James is growing. When Raquel ended their engagement, he wished her the best. He agreed it was the right thing to do, and acted like more of a grown up than I think anyone expected him to. Of course, that didn't last, and once he heard about Raquel's affair with Sandoval, James definitely had some shitty (and pretty funny) things to say.

James is a great example of what makes this show so great. Somehow, these people always manage to make their way back to one another. If someone drunkenly pointed at me and said, "I see someone hasn't been working on their summer body," and "Are you pregnant?" I would not be hanging out with them years later, having a pool party at their house mere steps from the Burbank airport. But somehow, Katie has ended up not only forgiving James, but welcoming him into the fold with open arms. These people seem to live by the adage, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend," and as long as James is bullying Jo and Sandoval, he's A-ok with Ms. Maloney.

James is a DJ, a performer, and a self-described Star, and we're going to give him that one. Congratulations, Mr. Kennedy.

The Moon - Season 11 Tom Schwartz's Dark Night of the Soul

The Moon is about dreams, the subconscious, and madness. This season, a post-divorce, post-Scandoval Tom Schwartz entered his own dark night of the soul.

At the season 10 reunion, Tom sat uncomfortably next to Sandoval and Raquel, visibly cringing at most of the words coming out of Sandoval's mouth.

From there, things only got worse. A newly divorced Schwartz moved out of his "dream house" into a dank apartment in the Valley with vertical blinds. He began amassing plants and speaking to them in the baby voice he'd always used with Katie. His personal life was falling apart, and he couldn't understand why the public kept associating him with Tom Sandoval (though he went on multiple podcasts to defend Sandoval).

Hitting on girls at a beachy tourist bar this season, Schwartz radiated divorced dad energy (though he's a dad only to dogs and too many plants). It was cringe inducing, especially because it was clear he was in way too deep with Jo. He kept trying to tell himself it was going to be okay.

And then he'd double down.

Then he bleached his hair in what can only be described as a cry for help.

He propositioned his ex-wife, talked about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, and gave Jo the incredibly stupid advice to "go talk to Katie about her feelings." This was a man in a crisis. There have to be better days ahead for Schwartzy. Sooner or later he'll see the sun again (but don't move in with Sandoval, you're forty).

The Sun - Gay Pride, Dueling Birthdays, Themed Parties

The Sun is all about celebration, victory, and childlike wonder. The VPR gang knows how to party. They love a themed event and dressing up – from drag to the roaring twenties. In the early seasons, Lisa would gather all of her employees for a bizarre photo shoot. It felt exploitative and far too sexual for a workplace, but it was always dramatic. Who would get to stand in the middle?!

I recently rewatched the season one finale in which Stassi and Scheana were instructed to kiss each other for a photograph taken to promote... the restaurant? What a workplace!

These kids (most are forty years old) know how to rage. I quit drinking for cause and I've never partied as hard as a single one of these people.

One of my least favorite types of people are adults who take their birthday way too seriously. But as long as I'm not invited to the dreaded birthday event, I love to watch it happen on my TV while I lie on my bed cackling.

I could get down with drag nights and themed dinners. Honestly, if we are friends IRL, we should be dressing in costumes a lot more.

Judgement - Andy Cohen and The Reunion

Judgement is about reevaluating past actions and acknowledging mistakes in order to move forward. Every season of VPR ends with a reunion where Andy Cohen reminds the gang of all the stupid shit they did and all the nasty things they said about their friends behind their backs. Occasionally there's a healing moment, but more often than not, the reunion is a time for screaming and coming to blows while wearing the flimsiest and sparkliest thing you can imagine for hours on end. The sheer skill it must take to wear a dress that is a bit more like a decorative ribbon while SITTING IN A CHAIR for a fourteen hour shoot? HATS OFF. All of my hats are off.

The World - The Valley

According to Advanced Tarot: An In-Depth Guide to Practical and Intuitive Tarot Reading by Paul Fenton-Smith, "The World card suggests long-term success as the result of inner balance and harmony." It's a card about endings, success, victory, achievement.

After the immense success of Vanderpump Rules, Bravo decided to spin the show off and create a platform for Kristen Doute, Jax Taylor, and Brittany Cartwright's triumphant return to our screens. Hilariously, they pitched the show to audiences as the "grown-up VPR," as in – these are the cast members who have grown up and have moved out of West Hollywood and into The Valley where they've "traded bottle services for bottles." Don't think too hard about the fact that literally the entire cast of VPR already lives in The Valley, and the relationships on The Valley are perhaps even more cursed than the one's on VPR. Two of the five couples have already separated and we're not even finished with season one.

I like to imagine that a Bravo producer pitched the show to Jax, and Jax, being the goddamn professional that he is, went out and bought a leaf blower to become obsessed with and started saying phrases like, "Happy wife, happy life" (his wife is not happy, his life is also not happy). But Jax understands the assignment, and if you tell him that this show is about all the ways he's grown up, he will cosplay sitcom dad before your very eyes. The best part about Jax, though, is that he truly cannot help himself, and eventually he'll end up screaming at a woman, cheating on his wife, or starting an out of control and completely made up rumor.

If The World card is about endings, it also means the cycle is about to begin again. And that's what The Valley feels like – on its surface, this is about people who have grown up, gotten married, and are having kids, which in the Bravo universe means that you've "won." But they are at the beginning of a show, still in The Fool stage, where they think they'll be able to control how the public sees them. I'm surprised by how much I like this show! I can tell you with passion that it's giving.

[The kids element of this show makes it a heavy lift for me to convince my husband to watch it ("It's too dark! These poor kids!" he tells me, "GROW UP!" I reply)]

And there you have it, the Major Arcana by way of Vanderpump Rules. If you've made it this far, you're a hero.

Recommendations

Truly the best part of my week is listening to Sexy Unique Podcast with Lara Marie Schoenhals and Carey O'Donnell. Check it out.