Tarot Reading - Hecate

As some of you may have picked up on, some of our querents have asked for an alias. If they do not provide me one, I've been giving them the name of a deity who embodies their question. Today's querent is asking about boundaries and I've given her the name "Hecate." Hecate (sometimes spelled Hekate) is a witchy favorite of mine... A goddess associated with crossroads, borders, walls, and doorways (literal boundaries). She's a goddess of the underworld, the moon, and liminal spaces.

Here is Hecate's question:

Context: Last year I made the difficult but extremely overdue decision to go no contact with my mom. It wasn't a flippant choice, I didn't wake up one morning and decide to go that route on a whim. Years (decades) of trying to work with her and hold her accountable for how her behavior affects me and those around her hit a point of exhaustion for me. There was an inciting event but overall I no longer want to have a relationship with her. In the time since I’ve been validated in small ways (realizing how much emotional energy I've regained by not wasting my efforts with her) but, as expected, some older family members don’t agree with my decision and both inadvertently and intentionally undermine the boundary I am attempting to enforce with my mother. I moved away from home about 15 years ago and had grown distant from many of them over that time. In that time I still managed to maintain close relationships with my immediate siblings (I’m the eldest of us 3). Thankfully they understand and support my decision. Unfortunately my mother acts like nothing happened and continues to reach out despite clearly articulating over email that I do not want to see or be in contact with her in any form. At this point in my life I don’t feel its worth the effort and doubt she has any interest in changing her ways in any way that would be worth it to me after all these years).

Ask: How do I maintain this boundary with her while also navigating relationships with other family members with varying degrees of closeness/acceptance of my choice to go no contact?

Card 1 - Current Situation - Ten of Pentacles

This card reenforces and affirms your decision to go no contact with your mother. The Ten of Pentacles is a card of fullness and satisfaction. Your needs are met. You are loved and supported. You have built a community and a family that supports you. You are not missing anything by maintaining a boundary with someone who is unwilling to be honest about the harm they have done to you. The Ten of Pentacles suggests that your life is full and joyful without the toxicity that was present in your relationship with your mother. As you mentioned in your question, you do not seem at all disturbed by the decision you made, and the Tarot confirms that you should not be. You've got everything you need with the people who remain in your life.

Card 2- Challenge - The Emperor

Your challenge is The Emperor. In this case, I think The Emperor represents the pushback you are getting from certain family members. The Emperor has a rigid set of rules for how things are supposed to be done. The Emperor takes the form of "She's your mother, you have to..." or "It's up to you to repair the relationship" or "She doesn't mean it..." or even "respect your elders." The Emperor is not concerned with feelings, instead he wants things his way or the highway.

When your mother reaches out to you pretending that you have not explained why you don't want to be in contact with her, she is acting as The Emperor, pushing through the walls you've rightfully put up, bulldozing through your boundaries for her own ends. When your older relatives argue with you about your choice to go no contact, they are not thinking about your feelings. They are concerned with outward appearances (we're not that type of family) or their own discomfort (I don't want to be the middle man). Have you asked other members of the family to cut your mother off in order to maintain a relationship with you? From your question it doesn't sound like you have. If you're not making others choose, there is literally no reason why they should question your decision. You've asked for nothing but respect and you deserve that.

In a positive angle on this card, The Emperor reminds you that while it's challenging to maintain your hard-fought boundary, it is worth it. You do not need to read your mother's emails. You can delete them (or change your email address). You don't need to respond when others give you their opinion on a relationship that has nothing to do with them. You clearly made this decision after years of thinking about it, and you do not have regrets. You do not need to explain yourself to anyone.

Card 3 - Need to Focus on - Queen of Cups

You need to focus on your peace, your creativity, and the loving relationships in your life. The Queen of Cups is the Mother of the Tarot. She is not your mother. She is you and she is a resource for you to call upon. Focus on the relationships you have formed that are reciprocal, and that fill your cup. None of us has time to spend time with people who drain our energy or leave us feeling depleted or bad about ourselves. The Queen of Cups shows up to remind you to mother yourself. If you were your own child, you would never advise contact with a person who hurts you. You would tell yourself to be gentle and kind with yourself, to protect your peace and your heart. Just because other people are uncomfortable with the choices you've made does not mean they are the wrong choices. Be your own Queen of Cups.

Card 4 - Your Past/Leaving Behind - Seven of Wands

The Seven of Wands is a card about speaking truth to power. You're leaving this behind, because you don't need to explain yourself anymore. You've made yourself clear. Every time you try to explain yourself or argue why you've made the choice to go no contact you may be inadvertently sending the message to family members that this boundary is up for debate. The explanation phase is over. You've set the boundary, now you just uphold it. If people can't accept that, that's their problem. You don't have to be mean to anyone, you don't have to make ultimatums, but you might need to have a few uncomfortable moments where you look someone in the eye and say, "I've made myself clear and I'm not going to discuss this with you anymore." Allow yourself to sit in the discomfort of that moment. This is not your discomfort, it is theirs. You've made your choice after much deliberation and thought. The decision is made. If someone doesn't get it, then they haven't been listening. And honestly, that's their problem, not yours.

Card 5 - Strengths - Nine of Swords

The Nine of Swords is a card about nightmares, toxicity, and psychic torture. This card shows up in the position of your "strengths," – why? Because you are resilient. You have looked a nightmare scenario in the face – both the treatment you received from your mother and the fallout of your decision to set a boundary – and you survived. You can face anything. Swords are also the suit of boundaries, communication, and conflict. You've taken all of those things head on and lived to tell the tale. This is a moment to acknowledge to yourself that the hard work is over. You did the scary thing. Now you get to live the rest of your life free from the anguish that relationship put you through. Be proud of yourself.

Card 6 - Near Future - Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords is a rock bottom moment. I know that probably seems scary in the position of "near future," but hear me out: When you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. The end of this saga is near. The Tarot suggests that there may be a bit more fallout – perhaps this is in reference to the people in your life who are trying to convince you to "take the high road" or "forgive and forget." Forgiveness must be earned. Apologies are empty without action. Your mother has not made amends, acknowledged your feelings, or attempted to make things right.

You may need a tad more conflict to get to your peace. Again, this is not a moment for explaining yourself. You've already done that. You are well within your rights to say to your relatives, "I am no longer going to discuss this relationship with you. I've made myself clear and I need you to respect my choice." If they can't respect it, you may need to take some space from them as well. I'm happy to know that your siblings are on your side. Not that you need any affirmation beyond your own experience, but their support indicates that others have seen and recognized your mother's toxic behavior. This is a moment to hold firm, protect your peace, and be extra kind to yourself. You deserve happiness and love. Don't let anyone try to convince you that your happiness must be sacrificed for others' comfort. If they can't get on board, take a break from them. Sometimes it's necessary to explain why you're taking a break, and sometimes it's okay to just disappear from the family group chat for awhile if people aren't respecting your boundaries.

Card 7 - Advice - Eight of Pentacles 

The Eight of Pentacles is a card about work and creative flow. It's a beautiful card, a happy, prosperous, and productive card. Tarot suggests that you deal with some of this conflict by focusing on your work, or perhaps starting a new creative endeavor. Work can be a really nice distraction from the emotional complications of relationships. You may find that the energy you spent dealing with your mother was not the only energy you were expending. You were explaining yourself to a lot of people, trying to convince others of what you knew in your heart. You get to stop doing that now. And you may find that the creativity and productivity that flows in the absence of those explanations will serve you very well. You're about to embark on exciting new ventures. Get lost for a little while in your own imagination, manifest new opportunities, and leave the rest behind.

Card 8- Environment - Six of Cups

The Six of Cups is a beautiful, nostalgic card that can reference literal children or a metaphorical inner child. This card pairs nicely with the Queen of Cups. You are being advised by the Tarot to baby yourself a little, to be tender with yourself. You've been through a lot. It's time to treat yourself with kid gloves, and protect the wounded child at the center of you who was betrayed by a person who should have been looking out for them. Mother yourself, use kind words to describe yourself to yourself, take time to practice gratitude for the people and relationships in your life who fill you up. You should surround yourself with people who make you feel safe. And you should have a little fun. There's nothing like childlike wonder and play to heal the inner child.

Card 9 - Hopes and Fears - Knight of Swords

The Knight of Swords is always poised and ready for a fight. He's ready to charge into battle or defend himself without even recognizing where the threat is coming from. It sounds like you've been in a state of hyper-vigilance for a long time. Maybe you've had to walk on eggshells with your mother, maybe you've been afraid of her temper or retribution. Maybe you've been trying to make her happy since you were a little kid, and your fear is that you may never be able to fully let go of that defensive crouch.

Remind yourself that you've already done the hard work. You've thought things through, made a decision, announced your decision, defended your boundary, taken stock of who has your back. You can relax now. You don't have to defend yourself. If other people don't understand your position, that's their problem.

I try really hard to live by the motto that what other people think of me is none of my business. Sure, it's shitty to find out that someone was talking about you behind your back, or someone's opinion is that you've taken things too far or you're being overdramatic or whatever it is. I'm not gonna pretend that doesn't hurt. But your peace is worth it. People will always have their opinions. The great philosopher Taylor Swift once said, "And the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate." In this case, I think your older relatives' opinions have a lot more to do with platonic ideas of "family" or "parent child relationships." Just because someone else thinks that it's not okay to cut your mother out of your life doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision for you. You don't need them to agree. Let them think what they want. Seriously. Fuck 'em. They aren't you. You know your heart, you know what you've lost and what you've gained. What they think is literally inconsequential. You can put your sword down now. It's time to be soft and kind to yourself.

Card 10 - Possible Future Outcome- Five of Cups

The five of cups is a card of grief. Again, don't let this card scare you. I think this is actually a really beautiful card in this position in response to your question. While other peoples' complicated feelings about your relationship to your mother do not matter, your feelings definitely do. Have you allowed yourself to grieve this loss? Maybe you need to grieve something that never was... If what has transpired between you and your mother is less about an acute betrayal or argument and more about the ways she's failed you over the long term, maybe you need to allow yourself a moment to grieve what could have been. You deserved a mother who loved you unconditionally, who built you up and cheered you on. You deserved a mother who respects your boundaries, and apologizes and tries to do better when confronted. Grief is important. It allows us to work through the murky waters of our subconscious. Not all grief is about what we've lost, sometimes it's about what we never had. That is also grief.

As a mother, I can tell you that it would be deeply painful for me if my children told me something I did that harmed them. But you know what? I would do everything in my power to apologize and to repair what was broken. When a parent is unwilling to look at themselves with clear eyes and demands absolute fealty from their children, that's not mothering, that's a dictatorship. You're an adult. You don't have to walk on eggshells to stay in the Queen's good favor. You are the master of your own destiny. Grieve what you have lost or never had so that you can create the kind of family, friends, and relationships that bring you joy and peace.

As always, Readers, if you have a different interpretation, please leave your thoughts and questions in the comments! And if you'd like to receive a tarot reading, email me your question and a name to use for you (can be your first name or an alias or you can ask me to choose an alias for you). I've got a bunch of great questions in my inbox, and I promise to get to all of them! If you've sent me an email, I have received it, and you'll get a reading from me asap!