Tarot Reading - Artist Seeker

For this reading I used The Ink Witch Tarot by Eric Maille.

Artist Seeker asks:

I’m struggling with feeling like I might not hit the career goals I’ve been dreaming of my whole life. How do I manage the disappointment? Knowing that I’m so fortunate and that gratitude is not the only antidote to ambition and yearning. I’ve been hustling for so long, and I don’t know how to handle feeling like it might not have been enough.

Even as I get more specific and I know what I’m looking for really is being invited to truly collaborate on projects and not just job-in—I know I’m really looking for meaning.

Card 1 - Current Situation - Seven of Pentacles

The Seven of Pentacles is a card about work. This card suggests stability and consistent opportunities – your career is solid and moving forward. You are well respected in your field, and the people around you certainly consider your career to be a success. At the same time, the seven of pentacles is a card with a tinge of anxiety. In spite of evidence to the contrary, you fear failure.

In the Rider Waite Colman Smith deck, the seven of pentacles depicts a farmer who has planted seeds and is waiting to see what grows. He's anxious – which seeds will sprout? Will any? If something grows, will it be what he hoped it would be or something else?

You're experiencing a moment of anxiety at a critical point in an otherwise successful career. You have plenty of things to be proud of, but will you achieve your wildest dreams or will you have to find a way to be proud of your accomplishments even if you are unable to reach the heights you hoped for?

This card suggests that this is a question of perception and perhaps a rigidity in how you view success. You speak of career goals you've had your whole life. I think this is worth examining. How old were you when you decided what your success should look like? What else was happening in your life? What would the person that you were then think of the life you have now? How will you know when these goals have been achieved? If yearning and hustling have been a major part of your life for years and years, is it possible that you may not be able to recognize success when it happens? Do your goalposts keep changing?

I know this feeling well. I have known what I wanted to do since I was about six years old. I had a vision for my life then that in many ways resembles the life I'm currently living, and in some ways the life I'm currently living does not meet the expectations I had when I was younger. But when you spend your life making art, and moving from job to job (as you mention in your question), it can be very hard to feel safe or successful. Sometimes in this business, it can feel like you're only as valuable as your last job, and as soon as that one ends, it's time to start hustling for the next one. It can be very hard to feel satisfied without any long term stability.

The disappointment you are feeling is something you should explore and face head on, but that doesn't mean that your career isn't something that your young self would be proud of, or that you haven't achieved great things (or that you cannot continue to achieve great things). Your question has an air of certainty to it that isn't backed up by reality or facts. Your career is not over, and there are many years left to grow and make art. But as you know, being an artist can be crushing sometimes, can't it? Sometimes art cannot be appreciated fully until long after an artist is dead. Some work is ahead of its time, and some work is lauded in the moment and quickly forgotten.

The seven of pentacles highlights your fear of failure and disappointment, but it reminds you that sometimes the seeds that you sow do not become the plants that you harvest. It is a good idea to figure out what it is exactly that you are seeking – external validation is a trap, and internal validation can be tough for someone who is really hard on themselves. I would suggest instead curiosity. Where is this feeling coming from? Why now? Sometimes these fears crop up at a moment of accelerated growth. If your career feels like it is out of your hands, perhaps it's time to seize control. You speak of wanting to be invited to collaborate. Remember, you can also do the inviting. You are an artist at the top of your game, and there are artists who will be thrilled to be invited to collaborate with you.

Card 2 - Challenge - Five of Wands

The Five of Wands is creative conflict, a breakdown in communication, or misaligned passions in a collaboration. This card can represent the challenges that arise when we collaborate with others, or the difficulties artists have in their own heads. Your challenge will be sorting through this conflict and aligning with your collaborators or yourself about your desires and creative interests.

This card invites you to reach out to collaborators that you admire and respect, and to make yourself available for the kind of work environment you are seeking. When you begin a collaboration, it will be important to manage your expectations and also any tension you feel, so that the collaboration can be a productive one that feels good for everyone.

I would also suggest befriending and speaking to your inner critic. I've written about this before, but my friend, Taylor, gives her inner critic a name and a personality, externalizing this voice in a way I find very helpful. When you give your inner critic a personality, that voice feels less like THE VOICE OF TRUTH, and more like an opinion, one of many. Your inner critic is trying to protect you – from shame, embarrassment, disappointment, failure – and it can be helpful to say, "Hey, thanks so much for your thoughts but they are unnecessary right now. I'll be sure to check in with you later."

Card 3 - Need to Focus On - The Star

The Star is a card of hope and peace. This card reminds you that you are singular, there is an ineffable quality that makes you you. This is a moment to reflect on your talents and abilities and to catch yourself before you compare yourself to others. No one else has your career, because no one else is you.

This card implores you to focus on your unique abilities, to lean into your own creative impulses and take matters into your own hands instead of waiting to be invited to join the creative impulses of others. This is a moment for you to think about what you want to say as an artist, to take big swings and risks, to write or produce something for yourself, and to put yourself out there in ways that you've previously shied away from.

The Star offers out of the box thinking, freed from conventional wisdom or structure. This is a good reminder that it's worth excavating where your ideas about success come from, and whether these ideas are serving you or not. Yearning is not a bad thing, but berating yourself for not measuring up to other peoples' expectations or metrics isn't going to help you. In fact, focusing on all the ways that you are not measuring up will steal your joy and make it impossible to see the ways you are succeeding right now.

The Star is a reminder that your ingenuity, creativity, and ideas are worth investing in, and that you're capable of great work when you get out of your own way. I have spent a lot of time thinking about my own relationship to external validation, and my own expectations of what I think my career should look like. I have learned that the only way to free myself from the comparison trap is to focus my attention on process rather than outcome. The outcome is none of my business, but the process is where the magic happens. If I am growing and challenging myself in the process, and if I am taking creative risks, I know I'm on the right track. If I am focused on whether or not this is the project that will finally help me achieve some external marker of success, I'm not working from the right headspace and more than likely, the work itself will reflect that.

Your subconscious and creative mind are fertile ground for you to mine. Get in there and get weird. Invite trusted collaborators to join you. Try something new. Stretch your abilities and get out of your comfort zone.

Card 4 - Your Past/Leaving - Five of Cups

The five of cups is grief, and grief can take many forms. If a specific grief does not leap immediately to mind (like the death of a loved one), this card is probably representing creative grief, more specifically the grief that happens in the gulf between our expectations and reality. It is okay to feel disappointed that your career looks different than you imagined it would. In fact, acknowledging that feeling and moving through it is healthy and as the position of this card suggests, facing that grief head on will help you move past it. Letting go of those expectations will also free you from a significant burden you've carried most of your life. Think what you might create when you are only thinking of what you'd like to express in the present moment instead of fearing that the future might not be what you hope for.

Card 5 - Strengths - Eight of Wands

The Eight of Wands is creative channeling, the speed of passion, a burst of creative energy. You are a person who gives all of herself to her artistic pursuits. I'm guessing sometimes that can take all of you, and you may find yourself burnt out or frayed by the end of a cycle of intense work. Your strengths are your passions, the way you dive headfirst into something, how much of yourself you are willing to give. But it's also a reminder that fire must be balanced. And the Eight of Wands can leave us feeling ragged. You deserve rest and care and relaxation too. Just because you can give all of yourself does not mean that you have to or that you should. Perhaps some of your fear of failure creates that drive, but your spread (particularly cards like The Star) reminds you that you are irreplaceable, singular, brilliant. Creating more balance will only help you remember that. Rest fills up your coffers, and makes room for inspiration and opportunity.

Card 6 - Near Future - Eight of Cups

The Eight of Cups is a card of mastery and letting go. In many decks, this card has a sense of sorrow and determination, a person leaving something behind, something they've mastered but that no longer serves them. There are many possible meanings for this card.

Perhaps you're letting go of expectations you've carried with you for a long time, expectations that you may have felt were driving you to greatness, but that were actually punishing you and creating unnecessary shame. Perhaps you're ready to move forward without those expectations, and instead step curiously into the future. A mentor of mine always says, "Your new life is going to cost you your old one," and that feels like fitting advice for the Eight of Cups.

Another possible reading of this card is saying no to something that seems like it should be everything you've ever wanted (but your heart isn't in it). Maybe you'll be offered a shiny job that has all of the trappings of accomplishment you've longed for, but something about it will not feel right. The Eight of Cups represents a moment in which you listen to your highest self in spite of what the outside world is saying, where you trust your intuition and walk away from something that looks good on paper, but that isn't in the direction you want to go.

Card 7 - Advice - Ten of Cups

The Ten of Cups is a beautiful card about family, relationships, emotions, and legacy. The advice Tarot gives you is to count your many blessings – to trust the family you've built, and the relationships that sustain you and fill your cup. You're clearly very loved. This tarot spread reminds you that there is a lot of joy in your life and many people who are rooting for you. This is a moment to let yourself feel the joy and love of your family, your partner, and your community, to celebrate all that you have already accomplished, and to remind yourself that work is not the only marker of a life well lived.

Card 8 - Environment - Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands is a master of creativity. She is expressive, passionate, a masterful artist. You are exactly where you need to be in this moment, on the precipice of more great work. In spite of your fears, you are in a moment of fertile imaginings, and new ideas. Job prospects and inspiration can come from anywhere. This is a moment for brainstorming, for confidence in your own abilities, a great time to reach out to others and say, "I have this idea, can I tell you about it?"

Right now is a great moment to try new art forms, to let yourself be inspired by new things, to see a lot of theater, listen to new music, gobble up every artistic opportunity that is presented to you. This is a moment in your life to say yes, to explore your curiosity and to expand your area of expertise. Try making something in a new medium. Keep track of your dreams. Exciting things are coming your way if you are ready to receive them.

Card 9 - Hopes and Fears - Ace of Wands

The Ace of Wands is inspiration, a sudden burst of energy, your highest self finding something in the unconscious realms and bringing it back down to the material plane for you to make something with. The Ace of Wands can certainly be both a hope and a fear – all of this creative energy sounds great, but what if I never have a great idea again? The truth is, all great work takes time and effort. After the exciting deus ex machina of the Ace of Wands comes the harder work of bringing an idea to life. Your tarot spread reminds you that creativity is the air you breathe, and you need not be afraid that the well will dry up. Now is a moment for fearlessness in the face of anxiety. A good idea can come from anywhere. What you do with it will make all the difference.

Card 10 - Possible Future Outcome - Ten of Wands and Strength

There are two possible outcomes to your question. The Ten of Wands is burn out – your creativity, ambition, and passion burning so brightly that you are left feeling depleted and bereft. I think the Ten of Wands is what happens if you are unwilling to let go of old notions of success, or find a better balance between work and the rest of your life. By the way, the Ten of Wands does not suggest failure. In fact, you're likely to succeed either way, but if you don't change your perspective on success, you may find yourself unable to recognize moments of victory, and could be left feeling depleted.

Instead, the Tarot suggests Strength. In the deck I used for this reading, Strength is a person putting a flower into the barrel of a gun. In many decks, Strength is depicted as a woman tenderly stroking the head of a lion.

Strength is tenderness in the face of brutality. True strength is not browbeating someone into doing it your way. Instead, Strength is about persuasion and kindness, gently coaxing. It might be fitting to think of your creativity as the beast, and your intuition or your highest self as the woman. The ineffable you, the one who was made from stardust and who is deeply connected to the people around her, she is the one who should guide your creative desires in this moment. Instead of berating your creativity for not doing things perfectly according to a metric you decided on long ago, let your Highest Self coax honest beauty from your passion and creativity. Allow yourself to be open. Treat yourself kindly, care for your fledging ideas, find joy in the process of creation, lean on the people who love you, allow yourself to be loved in return. What happens after that is out of your hands, but a life full of love and art is pretty fucking great.