I'm baaaaaaaack! (And 40)

Witch's Markheads,

I'm sorry for the long absence. I was summering (cycling between relaxation, fun, and soul-crushing existential dread and grief over the state of the world). But I'm back now, and because it is both my fortieth birthday and the day of the TikTok Rapture, I'm checking in with you all before I dive back into the Tarot.

First, please behold these three photographs that are a perfect encapsulation of my summer:

Pictured in the first photo: A lady who convinced everyone on the family vacation to wear white on the final night (my husband: "It's like you're a character on The Valley"). The second photo is me as Camp Director (of the camp I invented). I spent a few weeks organizing scavenger hunts and issuing merit beads to children for achievements like having a "strong spirit of adventure" or "getting a bee sting." The third photo is the Little Monster who let her ten year old wear a mesh shirt, black bra, and leather skirt to Madison Square Garden to scream-sing Lady Gaga songs for two and a half hours.

I contain multitudes.

This past weekend I celebrated my 40th birthday in an epic bash thrown by my incredible husband whose toasting capabilities are unparalleled (I was roasted and publicly loved in the best way). I honored the occasion by wearing a see-through lace shirt that, from the right angle, gave unsuspecting bystanders a clear view of my nips. You're welcome, world. Expect a lot more of this in the next decade.

Today I'm vacillating between a feeling of deep and abiding gratitude, a well of righteous rage, and a pretty reasonable existential terror about the state of the country. It's pretty fucking bleak right now, folks, but I'm trying to hang on to small joys – my son asking me this morning if I'd like to help him build his Lego set, my daughter responding "Slay baddie" when asked if she liked my outfit, the incredible friends who flew from New York, DC, and Chicago to come celebrate my birthday with me, my parents being in town, my nephew giving me the squeeziest little squeeze yesterday when he woke up from his nap.

In fact, in the spirit of that gratitude, here are just a small sampling of the things I'm grateful for on this birthday:

Pip, the Pup

Aka the squishiest love bug who ever lived. She just wants to love you, lick you, and occasionally take bites of your food. Zack drove her all the way across the country so she could be with us in Vermont and her joy was worth it. I am grateful for the patience she has with my nephew (who loves her so much it sometimes hurts), and for the beauty of their inter-species best friendship. I'm grateful for the hour or so every night when she cuddles up to us in bed and for the minutes in the morning where she will put herself in the middle of any type of human affection without any regard for her body size or the sharpness of her nails. I'm grateful that she had the chutzpah to go get her own stuffy and sit herself right down in the middle of my daughter's birthday sleepover (an iconic move that said: "I'm just one of the gals"). She's a ray of sunshine in this dark world.

My son, the limo enthusiast

For my son's 7th birthday earlier this summer, we took him and a couple of friends in a limo to a Dodgers game. The Dodgers game was mostly secondary to the limo ride which was the only thing he really wanted for his birthday. He and his buddies were so into it, and their joy was infectious. The limo seemed like it probably joined the fleet in the early 90s, and the boys found a penis straw left behind from a bachelorette party. All in all, a great day.

Lady Gaga

Gaga's combination of earnestness and unapologetic camp are what I aspire to. She is simultaneously the coolest fucking person who has ever lived, and an absolute goober theater girlie, and I'm so happy that those two things can exist inside of one person. My friend, Amber, and I took our daughters to see Gaga at MSG in late August, and it was a healing experience. I didn't realize how desperately I needed to be in a stadium surrounded by thousands upon thousands of joyful, scantily-clad, queer folks, but, as soon as the show started, I got very emotional and felt more safe than I had in awhile. I sang and danced and cheered and screamed for three hours and it was cathartic and deeply necessary. Thank you, Gaga.

The epic and joyful distraction of my annual treasure hunt

This year's treasure hunt took about six months to build (because I am insane). For the fourth year in a row, the magical lore was deepened to include a new mythical creature (this time a dragon named Beithir, and a secret society of magical beings called The Anonymous Order of Woodland Tricksters). When life feels completely out of control and my despair over the cruelty of our government starts to feel impossible to withstand, I can always squeeze some joy out of witnessing the simple magic of children. I'm grateful to get to spend time with creative and imaginative kids who love the adventures I secretly build for them.

Learning New Things

My friend, Megan, and I are taking a sewing class at a local community college. On the first day we were asked to introduce ourselves and say why were taking the class. Most people said they wanted to be able to do their own alterations, or learn how to use the sewing machine their grandmother gave them. I told the class the truth: I am making a Lady Gaga Halloween costume and I need to learn how to do it ASAP. "This Halloween?" the teacher asked (OF COURSE THIS HALLOWEEN). I'll let you know how it goes.

The I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck Era I'm Entering

I've long heard rumors that your forties are better because you "just don't give a fuck." I wasn't sure how true it was until I decided to wear a full nipples-out lewk to my birthday party. Turns out, yes, your forties are a time for doing whatever the fuck you want to do, including freeing your nips. Maybe it's thirsty to post these photographs, but guess what? IDGAF. Four years ago it would have been impossible to imagine that I would wear something like this ever, much less STONE COLD MOTHERF-ING SOBER.

But guess what folks? Life can surprise you.

Nature

This summer we spent three full weeks in Vermont and it was the best. We swam in rivers, hiked forests, built stick forts, and had a glow stick dance party on the foundation of the new barn. For three weeks, I only opened the New York Times once a day, read multiple books, wrote, thought, hiked, and saw a black bear!

I am grateful for the natural places I have access to, and for the peace they bring me.

My friends

Over the weekend, I celebrated my birthday with many of the people I love. I have an incredible group of friends – thoughtful, creative, generous, imaginative. So many of them spend every day trying to make this broken world better. I am so lucky that even in the face of all the horror and sadness in our world, we were still able to dance and hug each other and be together with joy in the face of so much pain.

Next up in our tarot exploration is the Ten of Swords or "rock bottom." Seems fitting for this particular moment in history. But for now, I just want to tell you all that I'm glad to be sharing this planet with you, and I hope you've found pockets of joy too.

If you haven't already been raptured, let me know what you're grateful for, and what's keeping you going so we can all live to fight the good fight another day.